I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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