My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
