he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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