just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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