How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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