I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
