i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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