Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
