I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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