He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
