It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
