the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
