First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
