i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
