I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
