Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
