My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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