seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
