So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
