eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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