Umm I'm too high to move.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
