textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
