Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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