Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
