There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Randomize
