someone threw a dead crab at me
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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