Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
