Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
