You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
