How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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