I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
