Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
