Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
