the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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