i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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