I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize