Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
