so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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