its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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