He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize