ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
