You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
