I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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