I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
