There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize