You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
