Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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