i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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