I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize