She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My vagina just recognized that song.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
