After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize