Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
